The Journey to Jackson James

Maternity photos by Adriana Brito

I'm the kind of girl who likes to document everything. Pregnancy is no exception. I have a first-time mom's journal I've been using for the past 7 or so months to track everything about this pregnancy, as well as a devotional dedicated to engaging with God as pregnancy progresses.

I'm also the kind of girl who likes to learn from other people's stories. Shocker...pregnancy is no exception here either! One of my biggest goals in preparing for the birth has been the elimination of fear, and I've learned that for me, hearing ALL the stories helps me in that journey. There's a lot of horror stories out there...I'm not talking about getting caught up and dwelling on these. But it has helped me to hear and read real stories of real moms who had healthy babies and all the different methods they've been able to do so.

Something about knowing the depths and heights of what it can be like to deliver a baby brings me comfort. I think it's because it reminds me that no two stories are the same, we can't control everything, and ultimately, God is the one with the pen in his hand, and can be trusted with it.

So in the spirit of that, here is what my pregnancy journey has been like. When Jackson is born, I will share our birth story too. I should warn you...this is The Messy Coffee Table after all. I don't plan on holding anything back. :) If you're squeamish or just not super into hearing all the details, these posts may not be for you. But if you're like me, and the real unedited stories might help you, then buckle in and keep reading!

A Little Blue Plus Sign

Something I don't know if I've talked about on the blog yet is that we experienced a miscarriage in February of 2020 (yes, right before COVID-19 turned the whole world upside-down). This is a story I will share in detail in another post...but needless to say, 2020 was a rollercoaster of emotions. When we had the all-clear to start "trying" again, I'll admit Sebas and I both shared hesitation. We weren't NOT trying...I wasn't on birth control, although we continued to use condoms for a little while. Eventually, after a lot of prayer and healing and (for me) counseling, we were more open to the idea of getting pregnant again. But I wasn't tracking my cycles, checking to see if I was ovulating, or any of that. We were just trusting...if it was supposed to happen, it would.

In early October 2020, I was late. I decided to give it a week to see if maybe it was just a weird month. Meanwhile, at work, even the most menial tasks were becoming exhausting. Just filing paperwork had me stopping to catch my breath. Then, later that week, I had popped open a beer on a Friday night after work, and about halfway through it I felt icky and thought "I am really not enjoying this." That's when I finally decided to pee on the stick.

5 weeks...the day we found out Jackson James was on his way!

And there it was - almost immediately - a little blue plus sign. I stared at it for a good while, smiling but no tears, overjoyed but trying not to get too excited...after all, we'd already had one disappointment. I went out to the living room where Sebas was playing a game online with some friends, and asked him to pause and mute his mic. He immediately did, and I showed him that little blue plus sign, and he beamed. "YAY!" was his exact response, as his eyes teared up and he got up to embrace me. Finally my own tears came. I told him I was nervous, but happy nonetheless.

First Trimester

8 weeks <3

We agreed we would keep the pool of people who knew about the pregnancy small for the first couple months. Last time, we had revealed the pregnancy publicly at our church before I hit 12 weeks, and we literally miscarried the next day. I was afraid of putting ourselves in a similar position, JUST in case something were to happen again. Sebas tried to encourage me that the more people we could have praying for this second baby, the better, regardless of the outcome. But it took me awhile to come around to that.

We told our immediate families pretty soon, as soon as we could. I still had yet to get an ultrasound or hear the baby's heartbeat, so we asked for discretion and a lot of prayer. I found an OB practice that I absolutely LOVE now...the only drawback was, due to COVID, Sebas wasn't allowed to come to any appointments with me, including ultrasounds. They did, however, let me Facetime with him during appointments, so he was technically still "with" me when we saw Jackson's tiny little bean-shaped body on the screen for the first time.

And when the ultrasound tech played his heartbeat for me - oh my goodness - I broke. Sebas broke. It was like the thing we were both waiting for to finally settle into the reality that yes, we were pregnant. It helped me get more comfortable and even excited about telling people about it, and over the next several weeks we would share the news with more family and a few more close friends.

Our first look at Jackson James...yolk sac and all!

Quick funny story - I did end up telling my boss earlier than planned though. One day, I had finished heating up a bowl of piping-hot carrot and ginger soup and was on my way back to my desk from the staff lounge. Evidently I did not put the lid back on quite right, because as I went to sit down, the container slipped and fell to the floor and carrot soup was EVERYWHERE, including all over my computer. As I'm frantically trying to clean this up, my boss walks in, sees the chaos and calmly asks, "What happened?"

I burst into tears.

I hurriedly tried to just say everything was fine, just having a day, to which he replied, with a slightly startled look, "Okay. Maybe just take a break and walk over to Bayside and look at the dolphins." Needless to say I felt like I owed him an explanation after that ;).

As far as my other symptoms, I feel lucky to be able to say that everything was SUPER manageable. I only had mild nausea that could be managed with ginger supplements, and it wasn't even every day. I did develop some food aversions...for whatever reason, I haven't been able to eat shrimp this entire pregnancy without feeling sick. I eventually also had to switch my prenatal vitamins from the hard pills to the gummy ones, because later in my first trimester they started triggering a terrible gag reflex and I could not keep them down. I was also sleeping a TON...by 8pm every night I was done-zo, as in no longer functional, as in "goodnight everyone, please don't need me for anything until tomorrow."

Second Trimester

The official announcement!

I reached the 12-week mark on Thanksgiving Day, which was too perfect. I had been praying fervently to make it to this point, and dreaming about finally being past the "danger zone" when it comes to the likelihood of having a miscarriage. Arriving to this day was a relief and a joy. We took pictures for a social media announcement that we would post later that night. It felt like a dream, but it was also finally starting to feel real. SO much to be thankful for!

In these months I started getting my energy back and was able to start sleeping normal-people hours again. Nausea was pretty much completely gone by December, and I had just the beginnings of a baby bump finally starting to peak out. My sugar cravings got super intense, however. Most days, sour gummy worms were all I could think about...that or ice cream. I gave into these cravings way more often than I'd like to admit. Gradually, bladder control would also become more of a challenge, especially later on as I got a little bigger. But, staying hydrated had been (and continues to be) one of my top priorities, so it's just one of those things I had to learn to deal with.

I also had to remember to take it easy and not push myself too hard physically. Depending on what I had eaten or how hydrated I was, I would occasionally get dizzy spells that forced me to lie down for a few minutes, drink some water, eat something...even while doing very low-energy tasks like curling my hair. It's crazy how much pregnancy will remind you to not forget the very basics of taking care of yourself, because the repercussions of not doing it are so much more amplified. I also had to learn to be more willing to ask for help, and not apologize for needing said help. This was harder for me than I expected.

The biggest challenge in the second trimester was actually transitioning out of our one-bedroom apartment and making plans for our next home. Coming out of 2020, things got really, really tight financially. We had to make some major adjustments and sacrifices to get back on track, one being staying with Sebas's parents for a couple of months so we could save up and take our time finding a new place to live. I am SO grateful for their hospitality and care, but this was a hard season for me. I'm an introvert who prides herself on independence, so not feeling like we really had our own "space" in that season was a challenge, especially as my "nesting" urge began to appear. But I think we all grew from that season and learned more about each other, so I'm grateful for that time.

Family photo with Jackson's big brother, Juju <3

Almost 20 weeks!

Other than that, things were going so smoothly with Jackson. We found out we were having a boy, which surprised all of us who felt so sure it was a girl! Despite my intensified sweet tooth, my glucose test came back negative for gestational diabetes, thank God. In fact, everything they screened for in the second and third trimesters came back normal or negative. Jackson was measuring perfect and his heartbeat continued to stay strong. This was such a light to me in the middle of what became such a crazy season in every other way.

The part I loved most from weeks 13 onward was that, week to week, I could feel more and more of his movements. Seriously, there was nothing more amazing and wonderful to me than feeling this little guy kick and squirm around in there. I couldn't get enough. Friends would comment that I was literally always rubbing my belly, and it's true! I just loved feeling him so active and alive!

Third Trimester

30 weeks (Maternity photos by Adriana Brito)

God provided in some amazing ways, and by the end of March, we were moving into our now two-bedroom apartment. Finally, all my nesting instincts could kick into gear. We put a lot of effort into making this place feel like home, and into preparing a place for Jackson. Baby shower plans were being finalized, the nursery was coming together, and every doctor's appointment confirmed our baby was healthy and growing.

There was no mistaking the baby bump now. I had to start getting more creative with my wardrobe...I had some maternity outfits but not a ton of stuff. What was truly a blessing was getting maternity "hand-me-downs" from my sister-in-law Tati, which really helped give me a few more options for things like church, dinners with friends, etc. I practically lived in stretchy leggings in these final months...honestly I never want to go back to real pants with buttons and zippers ever again. Maternity pants are the BEST.

My level of general discomfort would only increase, however. As I write this, I'm at 38 weeks, and there are not enough pillows in the WORLD to prop me up in a way that allows me to sleep through the night. I get this weird pain in my left hip EVERY night now, so there's a lot of tossing and turning. If it's not that, then it's my overactive bladder, or just pure insomnia.

We did have one premature hospital scare. The night before our baby shower, I was doing dishes when I felt a trickle down my leg...and suddenly there was a puddle on the floor. It didn't feel like I had peed, more like liquid just falling out of me. It didn't really have a color or even really smell like pee, so I panicked a little. I was only 32 weeks...my water was not supposed to be breaking. We called my doctor who advised that we go to the hospital to get things checked out and confirm if my water had actually broken.

At 10:30pm we were checked into triage. They hooked me up to a fetal monitor to track Jackson's heartrate and any contractions I might be having (which I was...they were not at all painful or regular however. AKA Braxton Hicks). They took a swab to test for any leaking amniotic fluid, which came back negative. Meaning, my water had not broken. Meaning, I had literally just peed myself very suddenly. I felt so stupid.

Unfortunately, we didn't get sent home right away. Because we had shown up to the ER with all these symptoms, it was still procedure to do an ultrasound, just to make sure there was nothing else amiss. It took FOREVER to get called down to radiology, like several hours...in fact, I don't think I was seen until close to 2am. By the way, ultrasounds are weird in the ER, which I remember from when we miscarried too...the technicians can't really tell you too much in the moment without a doctor present. So back to triage we went to wait for results.

With family at our postponed baby shower, 32 weeks

Another 3 hours went by. We had not slept. We were both getting so impatient and frustrated...it was just pee! What could be taking so long? Even the nurses in triage were puzzled...they kept telling me they had escalated my case and kept pestering radiology for my results, but they would not release them.

Finally, around 5am (!), we got answers. Radiology wanted to consult with my doctor first before releasing our results because some sort of "mass" was showing up on or near one of Jackson's lungs. It was not possible to tell for sure what it was just from an ultrasound, so it was advised that they call in a high-risk specialist and order a fetal MRI...which meant I was not leaving the hospital.

I could not believe what I was hearing. Mind you, we had been stuck in triage for over 6 hours by this point, not even our own private room, and now they were telling us I was being admitted to the labor & delivery unit to wait for an MRI. So they brought us to a room, got us settled, and told us to try and get some sleep if we wanted.

Sebas was able to sleep for maybe an hour before leaving briefly to walk/feed our dog and take care of some work things with his dad. I barely slept at all. Around 7:30 I started calling and leaving messages with Tati and my good friend Peggy that the baby shower would have to be cancelled. They graciously handled all the necessary communication for me so we could just focus on next steps at the hospital.

After around 8am I received visits from both the high-risk doctor they called in as well as my own OB. My doctor was furious on my behalf that they had kept me waiting for so dang long, and assured me she would be filing an incident report. I also was told at this point that the hospital, for whatever reason, would not be scheduling fetal MRI's that day...another reason she was furious on my behalf. They should have known this and told us this and sent us home, rather than admitting us.

So they let me eat breakfast, and I was discharged and sent home. The plan was to get another ultrasound with the high-risk doc to confirm what was seen, then order an MRI for a later date to take a closer look. We were home by 11am.

Although technically it was still early enough that we could have done the baby shower, I was grateful we cancelled, because I immediately crawled into bed and slept for the rest of the day. Sebas still had one or two jobs to attend to (bless his exhausted heart) before he too, came back home and knocked out. We were still able to throw a baby shower together the following day, but with it being a last-minute change and being after church, obviously not everyone could make it. But it was still a really sweet time of celebration despite the wackiness of the days prior.

Our drive-by baby shower set-up!

My sister-in-law Tati did all the signage by hand (@tatithecreative on Instagram!)

Well, three weeks, a couple ultrasounds, and an MRI later, it was confirmed that Jackson was perfectly healthy. The "spot" was just a more pronounced gland called the thymus that all babies have near the lungs. You can't always see it on an ultrasound, but when you do, it can be hard to tell what it is, and it can even look like a mass on the lung. The MRI confirmed this was not the case, and his lungs were healthy, and we exhausted almost our entire (very high) deductible for that. :)

Waiting Here for You

Maternity photos by Adriana Brito

As much of a headache as that process was, we are so grateful to know our baby is healthy and everything is still going smoothly. It was also just another reminder that God is the one really in control here...I can have my nesting checklist and a detailed birth "plan" but at the end of the day, God is writing Jackson's story. And this will be true throughout his life, not just through his birth.

I think a lot of women, if they're like me, might feel like pregnancy and birthing are all about being a tough cookie and pushing through and being strong and resilient. It is some of those things, sometimes. But I'm learning that more often it's about surrender. I know where my strength comes from - it's from the Lord - but only if I'm willing to surrender to his hand first. I'm praying that this would be my mindset when it comes time for labor, which I think is just a small but powerful reflection of our life here on earth as God's children.

Now, with two weeks left until my due date, we're just waiting for Jackson to arrive. We feel settled, as prepared as two new parents can be, a little anxious, and super grateful. We've experienced such an outpouring of love and support from our families and community that God's care for us and for Jackson has been undeniable.

We can't wait to meet you, Jackson James. We're waiting here for you. <3

Maternity photos by Adriana Brito

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